I’ve had some blue days lately – actually more than I’d like to admit. I’d, therefore, like to take this time to do a little sharing for the sake of introspection. Hope that’s cool.
I’ve received such amazing feedback from friends, family, and the readership on my post about PPD and, from it, a steady flow of concern and well wishes stemming from then on. I️ feel thankful and honored to have people who care and want to see my motherhood journey, and my families growth, flourish.
Unfortunately, however, I’ve pulled back into my routine of putting on my “I’m Okay Hat” and greet every question about my mental and physical state accordingly.
“Yes, I️ feel okay” has become an automated response, even when I’m far from it, and “everything is going to be okay” is what I️ tell myself when the going gets blue. And while everything really will be okay, and actually everything is going GREAT, sometimes I️ need a little reminding of the bigger picture and of the joys of this season in life to pull me out of my funk.
This whole experience is so fascinating when you stop to think about the emotional experience at play. Im so in awe of this growing child and am falling more in love with her every day. I’m writing this while feeding her and as I️ look down at her precious little face, so innocent and content, I️ can’t help but feel uplifted and relaxed. It’s in these moments that I️ feel alive.
But the “up” can be fleeting and, lately, has become more and more rare. I️ get up from feeding my Adds and am many times washed over by indifference and apathy. I’m painted by blues and grays. I️ can go days without stepping outside and – if not intentionally prevented – enclosed in the house with the curtains drawn. Luis and I️ jokingly laugh and call Addie “la vampira” because she’s so fair and squints when we take her outside, but sometimes I’m the one who feels like the vampire. Like a serious, real-life recluse.
It even spills over into spending time with people who make me happy. I️ find myself dodging plans and coming up with excuses to not socially engage. I️ don’t mind being around people and actually feel good when I️ am, but I️ find myself more drawn to the 10 second conversation with the cashier at Target than the sit-down with a beloved friend because the depth of conversation feels increasingly overwhelming. Like, I️ realize, “how have you been?” is an easy question to answer while sitting here, but in the moment it makes me anxious and uncomfortable. But please don’t stop asking – I’ll get over this, I️ swear.
The saving grace in all of this is that I’ve consciously built a daily routine where I️ throw open the curtains first thing in the morning, sing my made up “Helping Mommy Make the Bed” song to Addie, and (with coffee in hand) run errands or go on morning walks with the Bubs to get us out of the house.
It keeps me in check and safeguards against absorbing into the couch. The sad part is that I’m not even lazy, which would make me lounge all day – I️ just know I️ can stare off into oblivion, thinking about nothing or everything at once for longer than is productive.
Perhaps I️ need to write more often because this outlet is where I️ am most truthful. The more I️ pour out, the better I️ feel every time. But then again, how often can I️ say the same thing and expect different results? We know what that’s the definition of and I refuse to fall into that trap!
So, in the realization that life is too short to dwell and with focusing on all that is good and beautiful – I️ continue on with a thankful and grateful heart.
Thank you for this time to share more than normal about my personal struggles. There’s always more amazing to come.