That might be a “duh” statement for most women in my current situation, but getting excited is kind of a first-time feeling (amidst all the OTHER emotions) for me.
When I found out I was pregnant, of course I was like “WOO” but immediately I turned to: “OMG, what am I going to do? I know nothing about babies. The last time I held an infant I was six years old. The last toddler I was around peed on my lap. Twice. – This can’t be a good sign” … and the worrisome thoughts just kept on coming. But being the fabulous compartmentalizer that I am, I thought – I don’t have time to worry now. I’ll have time for all of that later. I’ve got to focus on school, work, and keeping busy, right?! Right!
So I’ve spent the last eight months submerged in my graduate program and *attempting* to stay productive at work. I won’t lie, there were some New Girl re-runs and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. episodes watched in between those two to keep me sane… but then images like these would bring me back to reality:
So flash forward to this past weekend. I woke up the morning after my (absolutely beautiful, wonderful, glorious, and TOTALLY fabulous) baby shower and it finally hit me. At 33 weeks – I don’t have that much time left. I have no idea what I’m doing! And just like that, there it was again. The panic had set back in.
… Isn’t it funny, though? Just about the time when life seems to spin out of control there’s always someone or something there to bring you back to reality?
I’ve been listening to so many friends and family members going through crazy, tumultuous times of change, struggling through “figuring it out,” trying to stay afloat, and making it seem like they’ve got it all together. And amidst every conversation, even the ones where the light at the end of the tunnel seems just out of reach, there’s been a few constant themes that continually change my outlook for the better. EVERY DAMN TIME. There’s always room for hope. There’s always a capacity for love. There’s always extra support for those who ask.
Surround yourself with the right people and there will always be a reminder that tomorrow is a new day and that we all have a choice to be a beacon to those in our lives who need us most. It’s not always family who are related by blood, but it can ALWAYS be those who have stood by our sides. I see more and more that I am surrounded – fully encircled – by the most beautiful group of people in the world (insert crying emoji here… and all over this post, really). I am so grateful and GAH at this whole thing. Seriously, GAH!
And, hey! I don’t have all the answers. I just have people popping up from here, there, and everywhere who share these lovely bits of wisdom… and I’m glomming on to them more and more. These reminders and advice keep coming at all the right moments – those times where I’ve thought I was going to lose it, go postal, shout at the sky – and have proven to not only calm me, but transform my thought process into a brand new set of feelings that I really haven’t felt yet.
Again, maybe I’m just a weirdo because it’s taken me this long. But NOW I’m more pumped than ever because this excitement and emotional love is finally mine – not something that is just radiating off my friends, family, and wonderful husband.
So let’s take a step back and talk a bit about how this post began.
It started, as all great modern moments do, with a “pin” from Pinterest, which presented the following: (grab your damn tissues)
A baby asked God, “They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?” God said, “Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you.” The baby then asked, “Who will protect me?” God said, “Your angel will defend you even if it means risking her life.” The baby said, “God, please tell me my angel’s name.” God replied: “You will simply call her, Mom.
So… I read and I cried. I hate crying but I couldn’t help it. I had a giant ball of emotion that I couldn’t comprehend and wasn’t expecting welling up inside me and it finally had to come out. I cried because I was overwhelmed and because life is changing at an increasingly rapid pace, but mostly I cried because I was suddenly and completely overjoyed. Literally with the cup running over (or however that saying goes). In that moment I finally realized that this baby, this beautiful gift from above, is mine. Mine to hold, to love, to protect, to cherish… to teach and share with and put before all else.
But then “WOAH … can I really make it through this journey?” began to creep back in.
I know I spent the whole last post sharing how empowered I am with my supportive husband and JUST spent 10 minutes rambling about my fabulous inner circle. But, hey. Doubt can sometimes be inevitable. It can really get you… doubting. So to clear my head I decided to take an innocent stroll down memory lane. That always makes us feel better, right? And I stumbled upon moments like these:
My husband coaching our nephew…
… and loving our most precious niece.
Here’s him supporting our niece and nephew as they pursue new adventures…
… and taking silly pictures to lift me up, even on the hardest days.
Then there’s the moment we found out we were having a baby girl. We laughed that she would be “daddy’s little girl,” and I don’t think we quite now how true that is just yet!
And in that moment, in looking at how blessed our lives have already been, everything became clear.
I don’t have to know everything. I don’t have to have it all together… because together we can do it all.
So, in between breakdowns, as I write this with a semi-clear head, I want to say thank you to all for your support and your love. Whether it be from near or far, I am now looking towards the next chapter of our life with excitement instead of worry and faith instead of fear. Cheers for the milestones to come (and the prospect of micheladas in less than two months)!